The Bedrocks of Character

Gradually, cautiously, suspiciously, Bob unravelled his arms, spat out a mouthful of mud and opened his eyes.

The boar was crumpled down just three paces away. Death by apple. Two more seconds and the animal would have run Bob through. Two more seconds. Bob let out a long, low sigh. Too close. Much too close.

He started the process of pulling himself together. It was a tough job. And he expected it to take a commensurate amount of time. His heartbeat pounded in his ears and his head throbbed terribly.

He was drenched in mud. He was soaked to the skin in mud. It looked like he had been dipped in a mud vat. Mud in his hair, mud in his ears, mud in his eyes. Blinking only aggravated the situation as more mud was transferred from his eyelids into his eyes.

His muddiness was to such a degree that even the arbitrary and objective universe had judged it worthy of recognition. With a mental prod, Bob opened his first notification. It expanded into a semi-translucent window that felt almost like a game UI. Lines of text in an unobtrusive light-grey font were projected into the space in front of him.

Achievement: Muddy

"Consider looking where you're going" Achieve more than 80% mud coverage of total body surface area.

Effect: a token bonus to base stats when covered in mud

Was Bob the only one who felt like the universe was making fun of him?

"A token bonus to base stats"—Bob had no idea what that meant, but the word, "token", did not inspire confidence. Bob concentrated. Did he feel a little stronger or faster? He moved his arm up and down, tried clenching his fist. Maybe? Who was he kidding? He had no idea.

Still a thought occurred to Bob, a dangerous, terrible thought.

If there was an achievement for 80%, why not 90%? Dammit, why not 100%?

Bob looked suspiciously up at the grey sky. Now Bob was no idiot. He understood how these things worked. There was a good chance that the universe had predicted Bob would come to this conclusion. In which case, there was a real possibility that the whole achievement was merely a setup to encourage Bob to willingly drench himself in warm mud.

What was the world coming to? Bob remembered fondly the bath he had been teleported from. Hot water, bubbly soap, clean, white porcelain. But this was no warm bath. This was a cruel, harsh muddy world.

Bob was no fool. He was no coward. Well maybe a little. Fear kept a man alive. And Bob wanted to survive. Bob was going to survive. He hadn't quite given up all hope of finding a second copy of Jonny the Man and somewhere a good dog was waiting for him.

Good men don't keep good dogs waiting.

Even so, even so... Why did it have to end up like this?

Bob gathered up a handful of mud. His childish curiosity got the better of him and he squeezed the mud between his fingers. It squelched unpleasantly and dribbled down his fingers.

"If this is some kind of practical joke," he threatened the empty air, before lathering the mud generously on his upper back, along his shoulders, up his neck, areas that had been largely shielded from the splash.

He felt the mud slithering over him. Its rank smell, its unpleasant, almost offensive light brown colour. He wondered how much longer he could bear it. That awful, oozing sensation. The mud slime was everywhere, his inner arm, his thighs, his chest. He seriously doubted he'd ever cleaned himself with soap quite so thoroughly. And then, finally—

Ping!

Achievement Upgraded!

Muddy => Very Muddy "This didn't happen accidentally" Achieve more than 90% mud coverage of total body surface area.

Effect: a trivial bonus to base stats when covered in mud

Bob sighed. Was this happiness? Relief? Hopelessness? Everyone does a lot of meaningless things in their life, but even so, there are some things that we have to believe have meaning, those bedrocks upon which we build our character. And this was one of those things. Bob could not have withstood the knowledge that he had muddied himself, literally and spiritually, for naught.

Now to go all the way.

Bob spent five more minutes, dutifully rubbing mud all over his body. Between the toes, under the armpits, around his face and nose, between eyes and eyebrows.

No notification came.

Maybe 90% was the limit? But how could a man know unless he tried?

Was this what heaven wanted to see? Was this the will of God?

Bob positioned himself, a deep pool of mud on the ground in front of him. There was no other way. Bob knew this. Bob wished it wasn't so. But Bob knew. And there are hard truths out there.

"What a cruel and unfeeling God," Bob shouted as he plunged himself headfirst into the mud, writhed about, turning, soaking his back, frolicking in place.

There was no notification, no enlightening ping.

Bob sat up, wiping mud out of his eyes and spitting mud onto the ground. He looked at his brown hands, at his brown legs, at his brown chest. He despaired at last. He cursed the universe.

The trees were laughing at him. The sky was laughing at him. The dead boar with its pristine, beady little eyes was laughing at him.

And then he saw it, a pale, skin-coloured spot in the crook of his elbow. He must have been keeping his arm bent. He picked up a dollop of mud and rubbed it in.

Ping! What a beautiful sound!

Achievement Upgraded!

Very Muddy => Mud Monster "More mud than man" Achieve 100% (rounded) mud coverage of total body surface area.

Effect: a minor percentage bonus to base stats when covered in mud

Bob grinned muddily. And he did feel a little stronger, his mind too a little sharper. The sceptical part of him scoffed. It was all a self-fulfilling prophecy combined with a flood of endorphins on learning that his efforts hadn't been wasted. But Bob chose to be an optimist.

He settled himself back down in his spot against the tree, picked up one of the apples lying on the ground (it was too late to worry about the mud) and started munching. Somehow the apples always made him feel a little better. He opened the next notification.

Achievement: Lucky

"We both know you should have died there..."

Effect: a trivial bonus to luck

Bob didn't appreciate the universe's tone. Didn't the universe know that everything had been according to plan, according to schedule even? Look here. Bob had just taken the first couple hours to indulge in a reading-binge and as soon as the rain had ruined his book, he had dispatched the boar in short order. Pure skill if you asked Bob.

Challenge One Completed! Congratulations. Final Grade - E Current pass percentage: 71%

"Final Grade E? Bullshit. Come on, be reasonable."

Had the universe accounted for extenuating circumstances? He'd been teleported directly from the bathtub with nothing but a book in his hand. The mere fact that he survived should have warranted at least a C grade. It had taken nothing short of a miracle. He still couldn't believe his luck, cough, his skill and resourcefulness. The boar had practically defeated itself!

He wanted a re-evaluation. He demanded a re-evaluation.

The line with his grade flashed and the letter E returned boldened.

"Stupid, broken system. You're just some buggy-arse, sleep-deprived developer's nightmare source code. You need full-on, across-the-board regression testing. Mark my words."

Please continue to next challenge

The ground in front of Bob illuminated, forming a path leading deeper into the forest. The system could really use some lessons in subtlety. Follow the pretty lights to your happy place.

Bob got to his feet. He brushed himself off. He straightened his imaginary tie.

He was up for a challenge. He was always up for a challenge. He ate challenges for breakfast. The system wanted to give him a challenge. Well challenge away. Do your worst. Double challenge. Triple challenge. Four back-to-back challenges. A challenge marathon. Bring it on. Bob was ready. Bob was born ready.

Not!